i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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