so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
