he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
