Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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