you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
