she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
