smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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