she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
