Plan B is the new Plan A
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
