he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
