We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
