Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
