I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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