he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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