Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
