i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
