I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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