Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
