I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
