John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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