I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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