woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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