Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
