Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
