he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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