One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
