I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
