I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
