hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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