and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
