I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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