apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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