just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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