He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
