Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
