I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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