Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
