she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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