yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
