I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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