So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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