U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Couch. On fire.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
