Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
