i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
