My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
