Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
