I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
