I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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