Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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