she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
